But a dear friend asked me how I was this morning and this is what I said.
It's accurate and smack on, so I'll just post it here as my update.
"Lots of work to do, not enough time. Must do the work to get the money, not really feeling like it. Good things happening, but I feel numb-ish.
Wanna just take a day off and drink tea and read but I can't, not and get done.
Just REALLY really tired of pushing and pushing and not really getting any break. If I take a break, then I'm behind in my work. But if I don't take breaks, work doesn't go well."
The singing/music rehearsals and lessons are great and makes me feel alive and then I come home and go back into a haze. I really want to stop this merry-go-round and find another ride to get on; one that is fun and happy and where I interact on a personal level with a loved one and build a happy home and take care of someone and be taken care of.
Dating Chip is fun and I enjoy it but it's sure going nowhere fast. I can't push and I suspect that he's holding stuff back as I am; one simply can't be 100% transparent, simply not possible nor desirable. I'm just taking the time we have and enjoying it; about all I can do.
I had to turn some work back to a woman who has been bugging me about it. I should have been honest and said, "Look, I just don't want to do this project; it's not my type of thing." Actually, I DID say that but she pressured me and said she couldn't find anyone else to do it. It's a dumb jacket that she designed that she thinks she's going to get rich on but it's ugly and will have a very limited appeal plus she doesn't want to pay me much to make it up.
So I procrastinated, as I often do when there isn't a hard deadline. Yesterday she called me and got all whiny and demanding and dithered between still wanting me to make it and wanting me to send her back the fabric. I finally snapped and said, "Make up your mind!" Then she dithered as to whether I should mail it or meet her somewhere. So I'm mailing her stuff back and she'll supposedly reimburse me for the shipping but I doubt that'll ever happen. It's a fairly big box; about 15" x 15" from all the materials she kept mailing me. She honestly has forgotten how much she sent me and kept saying, "do you have enough stuff to make this" and sending me more. I think she'll be honestly astonished as to how much material is actually there.
I took this job reluctantly and now that I'm hammered with work, this is what happens. I accept my responsibility in this situation totally. I don't need this sort of crap but the exchange triggered my insecurities and my feelings of lack of worth. And now I have to spend money to ship her fabric back.