Gah!

Nov. 19th, 2014 12:49 pm
rowangolightly: (Rowan!)
Stress stress stress stress

November often sucks; this one is no different although last year was. Last year I had the wonderful job of the Ecclesiastical robes that Central Pres hired me to make for Heidi Peterson. That *totally* made my November and December last year.

This year, not so much. Everyone is thinking about the holidays, and not about getting stuff sewn. I'd hoped to avoid this stress this year, but no. Everybody's "after Thanksgiving, is that ok?" And what am I supposed to say, "NO, interrupt your comfy Thanksgiving and holiday and vacation plans, please." That'd go over like a ton of bricks.

But other than this one cloak I'll deliver on Monday, I have NO other jobs paying off during November. I have $200 or so in the bank toward rent and it's after the 15th. I'm trying unsuccessfully not to freak the fuck out. I have no money to get holiday groceries nor the mood to make them to eat by myself.

I hate November. I hate being single and having no family, no safety-net and scared about my financial security all the time. I fucking hate it. And now Thanksgiving plans have fallen through so I either stay at home alone or I finagle my way into someone else's celebration which I also fucking hate. Being a 5th wheel for a holiday dinner is a major depression trigger for me but staying home alone is worse.

EDIT: I bit the bullet and accepted an invitation. We'll see. It's at a Chorus friends home but I swear if the dining table conversation goes to conservative politics, I will leave.

I have no idea what Chip's holiday plans are but I hope to see him on Saturday so we'll see.
rowangolightly: (Rowan!)
I need to keep at this to keep accountable. I don't know if this is seasonal, depression and mourning, new normal for me...or what.

But a dear friend asked me how I was this morning and this is what I said.
It's accurate and smack on, so I'll just post it here as my update.

"Lots of work to do, not enough time. Must do the work to get the money, not really feeling like it. Good things happening, but I feel numb-ish.

Wanna just take a day off and drink tea and read but I can't, not and get done.

Just REALLY really tired of pushing and pushing and not really getting any break. If I take a break, then I'm behind in my work. But if I don't take breaks, work doesn't go well."

The singing/music rehearsals and lessons are great and makes me feel alive and then I come home and go back into a haze. I really want to stop this merry-go-round and find another ride to get on; one that is fun and happy and where I interact on a personal level with a loved one and build a happy home and take care of someone and be taken care of.

Dating Chip is fun and I enjoy it but it's sure going nowhere fast. I can't push and I suspect that he's holding stuff back as I am; one simply can't be 100% transparent, simply not possible nor desirable. I'm just taking the time we have and enjoying it; about all I can do.

I had to turn some work back to a woman who has been bugging me about it. I should have been honest and said, "Look, I just don't want to do this project; it's not my type of thing." Actually, I DID say that but she pressured me and said she couldn't find anyone else to do it. It's a dumb jacket that she designed that she thinks she's going to get rich on but it's ugly and will have a very limited appeal plus she doesn't want to pay me much to make it up.

So I procrastinated, as I often do when there isn't a hard deadline. Yesterday she called me and got all whiny and demanding and dithered between still wanting me to make it and wanting me to send her back the fabric. I finally snapped and said, "Make up your mind!" Then she dithered as to whether I should mail it or meet her somewhere. So I'm mailing her stuff back and she'll supposedly reimburse me for the shipping but I doubt that'll ever happen. It's a fairly big box; about 15" x 15" from all the materials she kept mailing me. She honestly has forgotten how much she sent me and kept saying, "do you have enough stuff to make this" and sending me more. I think she'll be honestly astonished as to how much material is actually there.

I took this job reluctantly and now that I'm hammered with work, this is what happens. I accept my responsibility in this situation totally. I don't need this sort of crap but the exchange triggered my insecurities and my feelings of lack of worth. And now I have to spend money to ship her fabric back.

Bah.
rowangolightly: (Rowan!)
After the client was here all day Friday working on her dress, I ended up working a 10 hour day but she ran me to my chiro appt and then took us out to lunch so it was great; she's a pretty nifty gal if a bit emo and well, actually a bit crazy but who am I to judge, right? She had a rough time and was hospitalized for awhile after a nervous breakdown. But I believe that being excommunicated from the Mormon Church, I can certainly understand. I'm very fond of her and feel very comfortable with her. Thing is, she and I have gotten pretty close and we have the agreement that we'll be totally candid and so I tell her when I think she's screwing up and why, from the benefit of my screwing up but I do so lovingly. And she takes it well; she may not listen to me but that's part of the deal. I advise her and she gets to take it...or not. But then we discuss it and we're cool. See, that's the deal with a close and loving friendship; you get the chance to tell someone that you think they're full of shit but that you still love them. And then they get the chance to either take that advice or not. She's been there for me lately when I was down, as well. She's the gal who fell through on taking me to Oklahoma for that sewing machine run but it worked out alright. Friends like that, no matter of how long a duration are not friends to toss away lightly.

So I was pretty whopped Friday night but had to get up on Saturday morning anyway. I had to get up to go to some fucking thing but damned if I can remember what it was I had to get up and go to at 10am. Literally wracking my brains and damned if I can remember. Huh, oh well; certainly made an impression on me, whatever it was.

Saturday afternoon I worked on Edina's costume and didn't get enough done. I almost decided not to go but decided at the last minute to make up a quick "what do I have on hand" recipe as I won't go to a pot luck party empty-handed. So I grabbed a jar of yoghurt dressing and a head of broccoli at the store. Then at home, I cut up the dozen or so cherry tomatoes I had, finely chopped about 5 of the broccoli florets, combined with an equal amount of the ricotta cheese and stirred in a cup or so of the dressing. Tasted it and then added a shake of poppy seeds, a dash of vinegar and a shake of Penzey's creamy peppercorn dressing mix.

Then I made sure I was feeling good enough to the birthday party decided to go, and glad I did. Quite a large crowd of choir gals and other friends of the birthday gals. And AMAZING food! I didn't allow myself to get bogged down by pondering who was glad to see me and who wasn't. I did notice that Judy's partner, Judy, wouldn't even look at me much less greet me but since I had pre-determined that I wasn't going to let one person or my insecurities weigh me down, . I didn't let that confirmation of her being upset with me slow me down. I flitted from group to group, conversation to conversation, ate my plate, assumed that I was welcome in every circle of discussion and shared a wonderful, laugh-filled conversation with Tara's partner who is not only a professor but also an expert sewer and museum-rated historical garment curator. We traded sewing disaster stories and horrid client stories, to the amusement of several standing around. Soon as I started feeling a tiny bit anxious about my work pile-up or like I wasn't really fitting it, I said general good-byes to friendly gals and took myself away. I came home and worked on the costume some more and made blueberry/lemon/almond bread for church the next day.

Yesterday, I got up and made the bundt cake but realized I'd screwed up and opened a white cake mix. Crap. So I used three whole eggs rather than just the whites, dumped in the rest of the box of Hershey's chocolate, added a couple teaspoons of mint extract, mixed it all together and then folded in mint chips and the remaining special dark chips and put it into the bundt pan. I thought, "well, if it totally sucks, my entire reputation doesn't rest on this." So I packed it all up and drove to the church which is sort of a mess since they're starting remodeling on the 2nd floor. But it's still lovely there and they so appreciate everything we do. The rehearsal went well and then the service and Heidi's sermon containing stories about Billy Mills, Olympic gold-medalist runner, was really thought provoking.

We went down to prepare the Coffee hour goodies before the last hymn and as usual, Gabi annoyed me by her preoccupation with food and her general cluelessness. I TOTALLY get that this is MY problem and that I'm letting her get to me and that she doesn't intend it; she is just the sort of shallow, self-obsessed, insecure, un-empowered woman that I generally want to slap but I can't because it's truly not her fault at this point. She'll either get it and become a real and vital woman or she'll remain a scared little virginal spinster and turn into her mother plus cats. It makes me nuts. But for her to say, "Oh, there's probably not enough cheese" as she's slicing it and arranging in on a plate, all the while she's eating slice after slice of it, just made me nuts. I finally said, "well, if there's not enough, don't you think you should stop eating it?" and she just said, "but it's so GOOD!" So I sighed and kept slicing the cakes.

It turned out that, rather than being a disaster, both cakes were a hit. I described the not-quite-chocolate cake as "blonde chocolate" and told the process, but not that it was caused by a mistake on my part. Everyone thought it was clever and they really loved it. I did share that the blueberry/lemon/almond bread was my own recipe but didn't have the recipe with me. I do feel some pressure there since the owners of Function Junction go to church there and somehow, impressing them with my cooking and baking seems important to me. And yes, we ran out of cheese quickly. I am trying to suspend judgment and appreciate Gabi for her truly sterling qualities but it's hard. I may have to talk some more to Tony about this because he totally gets it and will help me to find good ways for me to deal with it. That's such a nice friendship 'cause we can each call each other on our shit, ask each other for advice and be silly and enjoy each other's company. I loves me a Tony, who is my gay boyfriend. That makes him chuckle.

Then in the evening I went to KWC rehearsal CD practice. I'm really enjoying working with Lamar; this is a side of him we hadn't yet seen; the light-hearted, talented musician who is empowered to make arrangement decisions and direct us, without any fear of stepping on the toes. Ida made a comment something like, "See how relaxed and easy-going this is?" for which I wanted to slug her. I'm still a bit touchy over Michael's quitting and having her suck up by making a comment like that was insensitive at the very least. Nobody has been comfortable about the obvious elephant in the room but Lamar has taken the high road and shown his professionalism by picking things up and moving on without a beat or a single comment. That was really a tacky thing of Ida to day and to everyone else's credit, we all let it just drop. She really think the world does revolve around her opinions and she really didn't like it that Michael didn't treat her specially as Joe did. She's intimidated by Lamar so she respects him. I'm so glad.

Gabi wasn't at the rehearsal; no clue why. She did say while we were working on clean-up at the church that morning that she was worried about and afraid of Lamar; I kept my mouth shut. The time Lamar jumped down her throat last Fall in rehearsal CD time was when she, and only she, kept dragging and Michael kept reprimanding the whole Soprano section when we ALL knew it was HER. So next time when it was Lamar running rehearsal, he simply said, "Gabi, you're the one dragging; you must keep the proper rhythm and not drag. You're pulling down the entire song" and she found that abusive. I think the rest of us about cheered because it had been making us ALL NUTS. So no wonder she's afraid of Lamar; he won't let her get away lingering on each note because she's enjoying the sound of her own voice. I know she's sensitive enough to realize that she annoys other people but not conscious enough to want to figure out why and to change it. I guess that's part of what drives me so nuts about her.

I must rehearse music today before Elijah rehearsal tonight. I'm in the double quartet and since the other Alto doesn't seem to get the right notes, I MUST be secure on mine so I can hold my own.

One last frustration: I have been wondering why my rent check hasn't cleared my account. I have known that my landlady was selling her house and had bought a condo or something but didn't know the status of her move. I have already established that I don't like calling her because she is so nosy and intrusive and controlling so I hoped that a note would suffice. So last month I included a note with my check asking for her forwarding address when it was appropriate and heard nothing back. This month, I included another note asking for a forwarding address. SO. This morning I get a phone call. From my Landlady. Asking where my check is. So I said, "Well Linda, I mailed it out the 4th. You haven't received it yet?" She said, "no, I haven't" and then said, "Ooooohhh, I haven't given you an updated address?" No, she hasn't. And apparently she has already sold her other house and the new people are living in it in the last month. And apparently she didn't put in a change of address at the post office 'cause she said that the gal living there had called her and told her she had some mail AND HAD DONE A CHANGE OF ADDRESS FOR HER and *I* am the one who is irresponsible and out of touch with reality? Huh. And no, I still do not have her updated address.

And still have not heard from Chip to know if we're going out for my birthday tomorrow. I'm going to send him a chatty, "hey, it's my birthday tomorrow and I feel like steak, wanna help me celebrate?"

Anyway...this is me using my journal as just that; writing stuff out blowing off steam, using this as a place to get stuff out of my head.

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Susi Matthews

February 2017

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