Stuff...

[rowangolightly]

I have stuff on my mind this morning, regarding friendship and boundaries. I'm a pretty durned open person and I am blessed with a great number of friends. I'm most fortunate to gain new friends all the time, several this weekend, and that's lovely. But also, as a 'public figure' which any entertainer is, I have the need to parcel off certain parts of my life which really are not for general public view or things I want to share with some folk, but truly not absolutely everyone out there. This is what filters are for, but I've generally not wanted to use filters much in my daily posting. Well, that's about to come to an end; I'm cleaning up and clarifying my filters to make it easier for me to use.

Live Journal offers the opportunity to see very deeply into people's lives, sometimes more so than is really desirable. I woke up thinking this morning that, in being really honest with myself about this; I have categories of friendship as I think most everyone does. I have close "I'd risk my life" friends whom I trust to know nearly every detail about my life. Then I have dear friends who I genuinely like a whole lot and with whom I enjoy sharing time. Then I have friends that I enjoy running across whenever our paths cross and I have acquaintances with whom I'm very pleasant but frankly, whom I want to keep a bit at a distance for whatever reason. Note that this last category does not involve any dislike whatsoever, just not a level of closeness and intimacy that I happen to enjoy with the other categories. This is called "setting boundaries" and I'm about to do just that.

NOTE that this is not a popularity contest; this is not a time for "OH PLEASE, don't exclude me or I'll cry and be distraught." Anyone whining about it is liable to try my patience at this point. This IS me making decisions as to where and how I need to spend my time and attention. If I cut anyone from my flist, it is mostly because I just don't have time to read everything that is written, so that I can accomplish all the stuff I have to do, as well as trying to set better boundaries in who knows what about my life. Most who are cut from some filters simply won't know that they've been cut; I'm trying NOT to cause drama here! It is a truism that some of my most trusted friends don't even live anywhere close to me; some of whom I've actually never met or just recently finally met *wink*...trust isn't a matter of physical proximity but rather, emotional connection. Fortunately, some of my closest and most trusted friends do live close, fairly close anyway.

So, if I 'go away' a bit from some of you, please forgive me in advance; I'm just setting some more appropriate boundaries in my own life. This is necessary for both my emotional health and my quest for better time management.

Comments

[capi.livejournal.com]

You're absolutely right to do this. It's NOT about hurting people, pushing them away. It's about protecting your sanity. Do what you gotta do, my friend. It's our job to *understand*. ((HUG))

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

*sigh* I guess it just took somebody ticking me off in order to get this done.

*hee* That icon reminds me of the little porcupiney-dude that Bruce got me for valentine's day....SO cute!

[[[hugs]]]

[sparkythegeek.livejournal.com]

Understandable, and kudos to you for actually *doing* what you need to do in this.

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hon.

[fionnabhar.livejournal.com]

Makes perfect sense to me. In fact, it's exactly what I use my filters for! Wherever you're comfortable sharing, Susi. It's silly to think that being justthisclose to every person in the world is a badge of honor. In fact, it's downright scary! :-)

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Yeah, now I gotta take the time to go clean up my filters...I have too many of them and they're too disorganized.

*grin* I guess organization has to start somewhere, right? Next the sewing room? Ye gods....

[queenmaggie.livejournal.com]

I'm gonna cry and whine. Just to make you mad.
;D

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

*LOL*

pblpblpblpbl!
(that's a raspberry typed-out, in case you didn't know!)

[joegoda.livejournal.com]

Friends, goodness love 'em, are like any other garden. Sometimes you have to weed, sometimes you have to till and sometimes you have to separate them.

If it becomes that you disappear me for a bit, then no worries, dear. I got things I don't tell anybody, things I tell just a darned few, and there are things I brag to everyone about, even if it's true. What you're doing makes perfect sense to me.

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Thanks hon....

[courtneymckenny.livejournal.com]

That is an extremely healthy thing to do! And anyone who would be crabby about you doing so probably needs to be pushed back a bit.

I'm just glad to be here in any format, because you are just that neat to get to know!

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Thanks, dear. And I gotta say how much I enjoy looking at your adorable kids' pics; they always brighten my day!

[crevette.livejournal.com]

It is very, very important to set those boundries. Think of what is best for you and the people in your life--I suspect this is hard for you, but it is a very important skill to develop--and act accordingly. No one can blame you in the least--and those who do are the ones you need to cut off.

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it is hard for me to do, you're right.

And what on earth is going on in that icon?

[ravenchilde-art.livejournal.com]

*smiles* Share as much or as little with me as you like. I ask for no more than what anyone is willing to give. ^_~`

[txreisende.livejournal.com]

*hug* You do what you need to do, honey. I like to think we're on the same level here - of the 'here when you need us, perfectly capable of entertaining ourselves when you don't' variety.

I hope things are calming somewhat for your family - you all remain in our thoughts.

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Thanks, dear!

[oldwolf.livejournal.com]

"I have stuff on my mind this morning, regarding friendship and boundaries." Oddly me too. I'd love to talk to you sometime about what you qualify as a permanent "breach of trust" in a couple and how far is too far when it comes to forgiveness. But this is for later.

Yer a public figure??? o.O

"trust isn't a matter of physical proximity but rather, emotional connection." Ditto!

Wow! Sounds like yer bein run ragged. Well, whatever I can do, or not do, as always, just gimme a holler.

HUGS!

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Hugs back....

[ladybarnard.livejournal.com]

I need to do something similar. I have about 50 gajillion filters and sometimes it's darn near impossible to keep them all straight. The way I've always looked at LJ is that it's *my* journal. If people don't like it, they can leave. Harsh, but I use my journal to work through serious emotional stuff. Not everyone needs to know that. And also, I think the kind of person who would get their panties in a wad over what they can and can't read on LJ might not be the kind of person I really want to know anyway. But I'm feeling kind of cynical about people this morning.

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

*nods* Yep, that's pretty much it right on the nailhead.

I'm not feeling at all cynical...just tired!

[rougewench.livejournal.com]

Live Journal is, at it's heart a tool. Use it in a manner which works best for you.

Certainly there are points that you would not want to share with the world, and that has nothing to do with anything other than simple levels of actual interpersonal closeness. This does not mean that you don't live life as an open book, per se.

With regards to winnowing your reading list, though, an alternative to actually cutting people off your list...I would suggest the following to you if you are simply time crunched, but don't necessarily want to lose complete touch with some or want to cut them out of various filters:

If you set up a custom friends group called "default view", whoever you put in that group from your friends list is who you will see when you click on the friends link. This way you can cut out people who you are not interested in reading consistently, or who post images you don't want to look at or what the hell ever reason.

If you then set up a difference custom friends group, called say "everybody"...you can filter your friends list at your leisure to that filter (say once every couple of weeks) and see everyone on the list...or you could set up a custom friends group that includes then only those who are not on your "default view" list, to check up on them now and again.

This is what I did when I moved to a friends only journal...in that there were people who had me friended who I hadn't friended back because I was trying to keep my reading list manageable. When I went friends only I took in everyone who had me friended (as they were already reading me) but only put those I had friended on my "default view" (same set up, but now behind "closed doors"). Now I just put those I want to read regularly on the "default view", and trim that or add to that as I deem appropriate.

Works like a charm...and when I have more time, I check out everyone on the list (which is every couple of weeks or so).

I hope this transition works well for you, in any event.


D.

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Yep, that's exactly what I'm thinking of doing; I have filters, I just need to clean them up and then set my viewing parameters more accurately.

There ARE a few people that I've cut for various reasons, who, if they don't understand why, well, that's why I cut them!

[matt-the-brit.livejournal.com]

There be nothing wrong with boundaries. And frankly, if anyone feels the need to *cry* or get *crabby* over not being allowed to see some of the more 'delicate' aspects of your life then they should really take a step back and re-evaluate their own lives.
Personally I don't use filters but at the same time you have a duty to yourself to do whatever needs to be done to make yourself comfortable.
I'm pleased for you hunni, that you have made the choice to take those steps in your life.

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Thanks, dear!

*hugs*

[alrescate.livejournal.com]

Taking care of yourself should always be one of your priorities. If changing your boundaries/filters is what it takes then more power to you I say.

I've always felt honored by whatever you have felt free to share with me. If that happens to be less in the future that's okay...I'll still love you. *smooch*

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Love you too, dear!

*smooch*

[bountifulpots.livejournal.com]

Like everyone else has said, good for you. You gotta be there for YOU first, and this is your space, so it makes perfect sense. And now, before I get rambly from pure exhaustion, I'm going to leave it at that, except to send lots of love your way.

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Lots of love right back. Exhaustion? What's that? *plop*

[youngraven.livejournal.com]

No explanation needed, a chara. :)

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Thanks, dear.

BTW, I'm now actively bodhran hunting. I'll get around to why on the next post....after breakfast!

[theferret.livejournal.com]

I join in with the good for you comments. Boundaries are good. I'm still working on remembering that myself. It's one thing I love about filters; I can still write and get feedback when I need it but I can make sure that it's to a more select group. It's amazing how one person can cause us to get ourselves together.

[dleighb.livejournal.com]

There is a reason I choose LJ as my blog of choice. I like the privacy and filter options. When I am in a mood to not read as much, I filter. When I have things to share that are more private, I filter. It is a very nice option to have and make use of. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

[kyraanne.livejournal.com]

I've noticed that it's been a time for that lately. Something is coming, and many people I know and care about have been reasessing. It's important to take care of you.

*hugs*

[squire-liz.livejournal.com]

While I don't always respond, I do read everything you write and enjoy the glimpses into your life. I'm happy to be on or off any filters you want, or your friendslist altogether. Its YOUR LJ, and your choices who you let in for what, and I've no reason to bring on any drama.

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Thanks, dear!

[tori04.livejournal.com]

I would hardly use LJ at all if not for filters. I only wish they'd let me have more filters. They top out at 30. Enjoy your filters. Use them in good health. :)

[doc--holliday.livejournal.com]

Understandable!
I recently did a similar evaluation of my life and am going out of my way to talk with my in-town friends in real life more, as opposed to online. It's amazing how lazy we can get, and how much we take for granted the friends who are near to us in an effort to stay amicable with acquaintances.

:)

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

No kidding!

[teross50.livejournal.com]

Life is always a work in progress. I hear that you need to establish/redefine boundaries. For myself, I am happy reading any part of you that you feel comfortable sharing with me.

I will be going through the same process here soon, so I can relate to your feelings for redrawing the borders.

T

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Thanks, dear.

I truly look forward to having a free weekend sometime when we can come to Gaia and participate and finally meet some more of our dear friends in person there...

[skiafoxmorgan.livejournal.com]

Oh god.. do I EVER know what you're talking about. I'm facing some quandries of my own right now. Not a lot of people seem to understand why I have this burning need to keep even the mundania of my life quiet these days. I ask to have people NOT tell certain persons about what or how I'm doing (and everyone knows why), only to be told, "Well, I don't see why it matters. It's not like it's a secret."

No, it's no secret, but they aren't a part of my social circle anymore, and their actions utterly invalidate any association they may have once had with me.

Now, because of this, and because I don't know how to "defriend" some people without destroying what really are good friendships, I'm just not posting much anymore. It's just complicated. My ex-friends and they are still all friends or family, and it doesn't make sense to them. We all used to be family together.

Do as you need. Many hugs.

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Gods, yes! That's precisely why my filters are getting reorganized and why I'll be using them more precisely!

Having to ask people not to divulge things and not having boundaries respected certainly does make one feel like pulling into a tight ball and not saying much to *anyone*.

BTW, dear, I'm no further away than the phone if you ever want to chat about anything. And you know damned well that I won't talk!

[skiafoxmorgan.livejournal.com]

I know you won't. :)

I've been crazy with the weirdness and work. But I keep MEANING to call you. Does that count? LOL

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

*chuckle*

Yes, it does....