Och...I can't resist...
Jul. 14th, 2006 04:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rowangolightlyAnd I hope my Christian friends will forgive me, but this was too funny not to pass along.
Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory
August 17, 2005 | The Onion Issue 41•33
KANSAS CITY, KS—As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.
"Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down," said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.
Burdett added: "Gravity—which is taught to our children as a law—is founded on great gaps in understanding. The laws predict the mutual force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force. Isaac Newton himself said, 'I suspect that my theories may all depend upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in vain.' Of course, he is alluding to a higher power."
Founded in 1987, the ECFR is the world's leading institution of evangelical physics, a branch of physics based on literal interpretation of the Bible.
According to the ECFR paper published simultaneously this week in the International Journal Of Science and the adolescent magazine God's Word For Teens!, there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by secular gravity alone, including such mysteries as how angels fly, how Jesus ascended into Heaven, and how Satan fell when cast out of Paradise.
The ECFR, in conjunction with the Christian Coalition and other Christian conservative action groups, is calling for public-school curriculums to give equal time to the Intelligent Falling theory. They insist they are not asking that the theory of gravity be banned from schools, but only that students be offered both sides of the issue "so they can make an informed decision."
"We just want the best possible education for Kansas' kids," Burdett said.
Proponents of Intelligent Falling assert that the different theories used by secular physicists to explain gravity are not internally consistent. Even critics of Intelligent Falling admit that Einstein's ideas about gravity are mathematically irreconcilable with quantum mechanics. This fact, Intelligent Falling proponents say, proves that gravity is a theory in crisis.
"Let's take a look at the evidence," said ECFR senior fellow Gregory Lunsden."In Matthew 15:14, Jesus says, 'And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.' He says nothing about some gravity making them fall—just that they will fall. Then, in Job 5:7, we read, 'But mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upwards.' If gravity is pulling everything down, why do the sparks fly upwards with great surety? This clearly indicates that a conscious intelligence governs all falling."
Critics of Intelligent Falling point out that gravity is a provable law based on empirical observations of natural phenomena. Evangelical physicists, however, insist that there is no conflict between Newton's mathematics and Holy Scripture.
"Closed-minded gravitists cannot find a way to make Einstein's general relativity match up with the subatomic quantum world," said Dr. Ellen Carson, a leading Intelligent Falling expert known for her work with the Kansan Youth Ministry. "They've been trying to do it for the better part of a century now, and despite all their empirical observation and carefully compiled data, they still don't know how."
"Traditional scientists admit that they cannot explain how gravitation is supposed to work," Carson said. "What the gravity-agenda scientists need to realize is that 'gravity waves' and 'gravitons' are just secular words for 'God can do whatever He wants.'"
Some evangelical physicists propose that Intelligent Falling provides an elegant solution to the central problem of modern physics.
"Anti-falling physicists have been theorizing for decades about the 'electromagnetic force,' the 'weak nuclear force,' the 'strong nuclear force,' and so-called 'force of gravity,'" Burdett said. "And they tilt their findings toward trying to unite them into one force. But readers of the Bible have already known for millennia what this one, unified force is: His name is Jesus."
Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory
August 17, 2005 | The Onion Issue 41•33
KANSAS CITY, KS—As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.
"Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down," said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.
Burdett added: "Gravity—which is taught to our children as a law—is founded on great gaps in understanding. The laws predict the mutual force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force. Isaac Newton himself said, 'I suspect that my theories may all depend upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in vain.' Of course, he is alluding to a higher power."
Founded in 1987, the ECFR is the world's leading institution of evangelical physics, a branch of physics based on literal interpretation of the Bible.
According to the ECFR paper published simultaneously this week in the International Journal Of Science and the adolescent magazine God's Word For Teens!, there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by secular gravity alone, including such mysteries as how angels fly, how Jesus ascended into Heaven, and how Satan fell when cast out of Paradise.
The ECFR, in conjunction with the Christian Coalition and other Christian conservative action groups, is calling for public-school curriculums to give equal time to the Intelligent Falling theory. They insist they are not asking that the theory of gravity be banned from schools, but only that students be offered both sides of the issue "so they can make an informed decision."
"We just want the best possible education for Kansas' kids," Burdett said.
Proponents of Intelligent Falling assert that the different theories used by secular physicists to explain gravity are not internally consistent. Even critics of Intelligent Falling admit that Einstein's ideas about gravity are mathematically irreconcilable with quantum mechanics. This fact, Intelligent Falling proponents say, proves that gravity is a theory in crisis.
"Let's take a look at the evidence," said ECFR senior fellow Gregory Lunsden."In Matthew 15:14, Jesus says, 'And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.' He says nothing about some gravity making them fall—just that they will fall. Then, in Job 5:7, we read, 'But mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upwards.' If gravity is pulling everything down, why do the sparks fly upwards with great surety? This clearly indicates that a conscious intelligence governs all falling."
Critics of Intelligent Falling point out that gravity is a provable law based on empirical observations of natural phenomena. Evangelical physicists, however, insist that there is no conflict between Newton's mathematics and Holy Scripture.
"Closed-minded gravitists cannot find a way to make Einstein's general relativity match up with the subatomic quantum world," said Dr. Ellen Carson, a leading Intelligent Falling expert known for her work with the Kansan Youth Ministry. "They've been trying to do it for the better part of a century now, and despite all their empirical observation and carefully compiled data, they still don't know how."
"Traditional scientists admit that they cannot explain how gravitation is supposed to work," Carson said. "What the gravity-agenda scientists need to realize is that 'gravity waves' and 'gravitons' are just secular words for 'God can do whatever He wants.'"
Some evangelical physicists propose that Intelligent Falling provides an elegant solution to the central problem of modern physics.
"Anti-falling physicists have been theorizing for decades about the 'electromagnetic force,' the 'weak nuclear force,' the 'strong nuclear force,' and so-called 'force of gravity,'" Burdett said. "And they tilt their findings toward trying to unite them into one force. But readers of the Bible have already known for millennia what this one, unified force is: His name is Jesus."
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
*Snickers in the corner*
Date: 2006-07-14 09:40 pm (UTC)-TL ("open minded Christain.... urrr...'back-slidin'...whatever)
Re: *Snickers in the corner*
Date: 2006-07-14 10:05 pm (UTC)Re: *Snickers in the corner*
Date: 2006-07-17 04:21 am (UTC)*Huge Hug*
-TL
Re: *Snickers in the corner*
Date: 2006-07-17 05:06 pm (UTC)With that in mind, I really believe that anything that is loving, nurturing, uplifting, kindly, supportive and all that nifty stuff is Godly.
And anything that isn't...isn't.
It may be simplistic, but it works for me.
Re: *Snickers in the corner*
Date: 2006-07-17 06:38 pm (UTC)...but we knew that already!
*Kisses*
-TL :~D
no subject
Date: 2006-07-14 10:29 pm (UTC)"You go to Hell! You go to Hell and you die!" (points for reference).
Hee hee hee hee hee
no subject
Date: 2006-07-17 05:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-14 10:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-15 12:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-14 11:23 pm (UTC)That is funny as hell! I can't believe anybody is actually proposing something so stoopid. It makes all us sane christians look bad...
no subject
Date: 2006-07-15 12:03 am (UTC)I laughed so hard when I first read this!
no subject
Date: 2006-07-15 12:09 am (UTC)Can't wait for the intelligent physics theory. :)
no subject
Date: 2006-07-15 01:11 am (UTC)You know what this means?
There is 1/10th the amount of Jesus on the moon as there is here on Earth!
no subject
Date: 2006-07-16 05:15 pm (UTC)Good point.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-17 05:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-15 04:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-15 01:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-15 04:28 am (UTC)loved it!
no subject
Date: 2006-07-17 05:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-15 04:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-17 05:10 pm (UTC)That's my excuse and I'm stickin' to it!
no subject
Date: 2006-07-17 09:42 pm (UTC)I'm so glad I'm not in Kansas anymore
Date: 2006-07-15 01:59 pm (UTC)The ideas that make it a satire aren't. Like you I'm still baffeled by the Bible belt.
Re: I'm so glad I'm not in Kansas anymore
Date: 2006-07-17 05:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-16 05:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-16 05:17 pm (UTC)Love The Onion. Just love it!
no subject
Date: 2006-07-17 05:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-16 06:55 pm (UTC)It involves pirates, midgets, and a way cooler version of heaven that includes a beer volcano and a stripper factory.
I promise, if you like this, you will LOVE that.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-17 05:13 pm (UTC)I particularly loved the couple of actual letters they got back from the KS school board members....I knew one of them from when I lived in OP!